JUST FOR FUN
Here you'll find a bit of good-natured levity - probably not enough...
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Judge Rules That Trump Must Allow White House Access To Assassins
September 25, 2026, BabylonBee.com
September 25, 2026, BabylonBee.com
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A federal judge has overturned President Donald Trump's ban on assassins being allowed into the White House.
Trump had directed administration officials to start barring would-be killers from White House grounds, but U.S. District Judge Timothy Kelly ruled against the ban, ordering Trump to immediately restore full access to all assassins.
"The President has no authority to selectively bar certain people from the White House simply because they want to kill him," wrote Kelly. "All people, regardless of murderous intent, have equal rights to enter the White House unimpeded. Effective today, the White House must grant full and unrestricted access to all assassins, as well as providing weapons to any who may have accidentally left theirs at home."
The Trump administration filed an immediate appeal, arguing that the Constitution allows for barring those actively trying to kill the president. "We are not differentiating access based on skin color, beliefs, disability, anything like that. It's purely based on whether or not you're trying to assassinate someone," said White House counsel Will Scharf. "There is clear legal precedent for saying that people brandishing firearms yelling, 'I'm going to kill Trump,' can be denied access to the presidential residence. We look forward to seeing this ruling reversed on appeal."
At publishing time, the ACLU had filed a lawsuit on behalf of a gun-wielding disabled assassin who had been denied a wheelchair by Secret Service.
Trump had directed administration officials to start barring would-be killers from White House grounds, but U.S. District Judge Timothy Kelly ruled against the ban, ordering Trump to immediately restore full access to all assassins.
"The President has no authority to selectively bar certain people from the White House simply because they want to kill him," wrote Kelly. "All people, regardless of murderous intent, have equal rights to enter the White House unimpeded. Effective today, the White House must grant full and unrestricted access to all assassins, as well as providing weapons to any who may have accidentally left theirs at home."
The Trump administration filed an immediate appeal, arguing that the Constitution allows for barring those actively trying to kill the president. "We are not differentiating access based on skin color, beliefs, disability, anything like that. It's purely based on whether or not you're trying to assassinate someone," said White House counsel Will Scharf. "There is clear legal precedent for saying that people brandishing firearms yelling, 'I'm going to kill Trump,' can be denied access to the presidential residence. We look forward to seeing this ruling reversed on appeal."
At publishing time, the ACLU had filed a lawsuit on behalf of a gun-wielding disabled assassin who had been denied a wheelchair by Secret Service.
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Climate Activists Blame Global Warming For Zero Hurricanes Forming In Atlantic This Year
September 14, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
September 14, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
U.S. — Climate activists sounded the alarm this week, warning that global warming was to blame for zero hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Ocean this year.
Though it was previously a common belief that global warming would lead to more frequent and powerful hurricanes, experts warned the lack of hurricanes was also the result of climate change and that Republicans would "rue the day" they ever dismissed it as a hoax.
"The pleasant hurricane season Florida is having is directly caused by global warming, and we are all going to die as a result," said protester Byron Bridges. "America must mandate the use of electric cars immediately — but not Teslas."
According to climate activists, no hurricanes might seem good until you realize fewer people are being killed by them. "With no hurricanes around to quell the human population, the world will become overpopulated, and we will all die for completely different reasons," warned climate activist and part-time masseuse Gina Hampton. "Unless a level 5 hurricane hits Miami this year, we are all going to die."
Critics suggested climate activists needed to chill out, which was interpreted as a threat that conservatives would intentionally bring about global cooling — which is also bad.
"Any change the weather does is bad," Hampton explained. "Hot. Cold. No hurricanes. Some hurricanes. It's all going to kill us."
At publishing time, climate activists were panicking in the streets after seeing a pleasant sunny day, which they warned would lead to the overcrowding of parks, beaches, and playgrounds.
Though it was previously a common belief that global warming would lead to more frequent and powerful hurricanes, experts warned the lack of hurricanes was also the result of climate change and that Republicans would "rue the day" they ever dismissed it as a hoax.
"The pleasant hurricane season Florida is having is directly caused by global warming, and we are all going to die as a result," said protester Byron Bridges. "America must mandate the use of electric cars immediately — but not Teslas."
According to climate activists, no hurricanes might seem good until you realize fewer people are being killed by them. "With no hurricanes around to quell the human population, the world will become overpopulated, and we will all die for completely different reasons," warned climate activist and part-time masseuse Gina Hampton. "Unless a level 5 hurricane hits Miami this year, we are all going to die."
Critics suggested climate activists needed to chill out, which was interpreted as a threat that conservatives would intentionally bring about global cooling — which is also bad.
"Any change the weather does is bad," Hampton explained. "Hot. Cold. No hurricanes. Some hurricanes. It's all going to kill us."
At publishing time, climate activists were panicking in the streets after seeing a pleasant sunny day, which they warned would lead to the overcrowding of parks, beaches, and playgrounds.
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the U.S. Congress prepared to return to work next week, one major lingering question was answered as the Senate approved a request from Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell that will allow him to work remotely from the grave.
McConnell, who hasn't been present to attend to any Senate business at the Capitol since mid-June, submitted a request through his office to be able to perform his duties remotely from the comfort of his grave, which Senate leadership officially granted.
"It'll be just the same as he was when he was here in person," said Senate Majority Leader John Thune. "He'll be able to provide the wisdom, input, and long, thoughtful pauses we've come to expect from him, but now he'll be able to do it from six feet under. It's the least we could do to accommodate his request."
In a brief statement released by McConnell's staff, the senator confirmed that he was looking forward to getting back to work. "Senator McConnell is eager to resume his duties," the statement said. "He is very much alive and in good health, and he can't wait to participate in Senate business remotely from his final resting place. He'll be more comfortable there, and it'll be like he's sitting right there in the Capitol, staring off into space."
When pressed for a direct comment from McConnell, his office replied that his response was, ".............................."
At publishing time, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Chuck Grassley, and several other members of Congress had submitted similar petitions to continue working remotely from the hereafter.
McConnell, who hasn't been present to attend to any Senate business at the Capitol since mid-June, submitted a request through his office to be able to perform his duties remotely from the comfort of his grave, which Senate leadership officially granted.
"It'll be just the same as he was when he was here in person," said Senate Majority Leader John Thune. "He'll be able to provide the wisdom, input, and long, thoughtful pauses we've come to expect from him, but now he'll be able to do it from six feet under. It's the least we could do to accommodate his request."
In a brief statement released by McConnell's staff, the senator confirmed that he was looking forward to getting back to work. "Senator McConnell is eager to resume his duties," the statement said. "He is very much alive and in good health, and he can't wait to participate in Senate business remotely from his final resting place. He'll be more comfortable there, and it'll be like he's sitting right there in the Capitol, staring off into space."
When pressed for a direct comment from McConnell, his office replied that his response was, ".............................."
At publishing time, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Chuck Grassley, and several other members of Congress had submitted similar petitions to continue working remotely from the hereafter.
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El-Sayed Forces Democrats To Take Stance On Whether Terrorism Is Good
Politics · Aug 28, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
Politics · Aug 28, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
U.S. — Democrats descended into disarray this week as swirling controversies around Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed forced the party to take a position on whether terrorism is good.
Frustrated Democratic politicians report feeling "backed into a corner" as they had to confront questions like "Was 9/11 awesome?"
"It's such a tough question," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "I really don't want to get into this issue of whether murdering thousands of American civilians is right or wrong. We're a big tent party, okay? This 'who murdered who' stuff is not what we as Democrats want to be talking about. It's just way too black and white for our taste."
Unfortunately for Democrats, El-Sayed's stance on 9/11, as well as revelations that his family had given significant money to terrorist organizations, brought the question of terrorism's goodness to the fore. "Can we just, like, not? Can we talk about Trump being bad or something?" said Senator Elizabeth Warren. "Actually, new rule. I'm going to pretend to be deaf if any of you idiots try to ask me if terrorism is bad. It's too hard of a question, and we're just not going there. Capiche?"
At publishing time, annoyed Democrats had asked if the nation could please just skip the whole "25th Anniversary of 9/11" thing so these uncomfortable conversations could be avoided.
Frustrated Democratic politicians report feeling "backed into a corner" as they had to confront questions like "Was 9/11 awesome?"
"It's such a tough question," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "I really don't want to get into this issue of whether murdering thousands of American civilians is right or wrong. We're a big tent party, okay? This 'who murdered who' stuff is not what we as Democrats want to be talking about. It's just way too black and white for our taste."
Unfortunately for Democrats, El-Sayed's stance on 9/11, as well as revelations that his family had given significant money to terrorist organizations, brought the question of terrorism's goodness to the fore. "Can we just, like, not? Can we talk about Trump being bad or something?" said Senator Elizabeth Warren. "Actually, new rule. I'm going to pretend to be deaf if any of you idiots try to ask me if terrorism is bad. It's too hard of a question, and we're just not going there. Capiche?"
At publishing time, annoyed Democrats had asked if the nation could please just skip the whole "25th Anniversary of 9/11" thing so these uncomfortable conversations could be avoided.
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Karoline Leavitt Prepared For Motherhood After Spending Last Two Years Answering Millions Of Stupid Questions
Aug 13, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
Aug 13, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has announced that she will be leaving her post in order to be a full-time mom, having prepared herself over the past two years by answering millions of dumb questions.
Family experts predict the transition will be seamless as Leavitt goes from answering ignorant unnecessary questions all day to answering ignorant, unnecessary questions all day.
"Karoline will hardly notice a difference," said family friend Janice Wilkerson. "All the shouting over one another, nonsensical statements, the constant stream of inane queries. Being a toddler mom will be just like any other day. Except, I suppose with a bit more vomit. There will be more of that."
Leavitt stated that in just her first day as a full-time mom, she was amazed at how her last two years of training kicked in. "Almost immediately, I was called upon to explain an incredibly simple concept over and over and over," reported Leavitt. "I could not have been more ready. I was able to keep at it, smiling the entire time, never changing my cheerful demeanor. It's been a very smooth shift."
At publishing time, Leavitt experienced déjà vu after listening both of her kids screaming whilst throwing simultaneous tantrums.
Family experts predict the transition will be seamless as Leavitt goes from answering ignorant unnecessary questions all day to answering ignorant, unnecessary questions all day.
"Karoline will hardly notice a difference," said family friend Janice Wilkerson. "All the shouting over one another, nonsensical statements, the constant stream of inane queries. Being a toddler mom will be just like any other day. Except, I suppose with a bit more vomit. There will be more of that."
Leavitt stated that in just her first day as a full-time mom, she was amazed at how her last two years of training kicked in. "Almost immediately, I was called upon to explain an incredibly simple concept over and over and over," reported Leavitt. "I could not have been more ready. I was able to keep at it, smiling the entire time, never changing my cheerful demeanor. It's been a very smooth shift."
At publishing time, Leavitt experienced déjà vu after listening both of her kids screaming whilst throwing simultaneous tantrums.
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Update: Moroccans Who Invaded Spain Now Registered To Vote In New Jersey
Aug. 5, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
Aug. 5, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
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Spain’s World Cup hero Ferran Torres has revealed why he donned a red “Make Spain Great Again” cap at his team’s homecoming parade – insisting his decision was not about politics.
By Chris Bradford, New York Post, Published Aug. 4, 2026
“It was a funny moment,” Barcelona attacker Torres, 26, told CNN’s Chief White House Correspondent Kaitlan Collins Monday night as he reflected on his decision to wear the Donald Trump-inspired baseball cap.
By Chris Bradford, New York Post, Published Aug. 4, 2026
“It was a funny moment,” Barcelona attacker Torres, 26, told CNN’s Chief White House Correspondent Kaitlan Collins Monday night as he reflected on his decision to wear the Donald Trump-inspired baseball cap.
“It was not about politics because honestly, I don’t know about politics.
“It was just to be able to see Spain on the top, winning the World Cup. It was just to have fun with my friends, with my family and nothing about politics.”
Torres, who scored Spain’s goal to clinch the European nation’s second World Cup in last month’s final at MetLife Stadium, told NBC’s “Today” show earlier Monday he had watched his goal around a thousand times.
“It was just to be able to see Spain on the top, winning the World Cup. It was just to have fun with my friends, with my family and nothing about politics.”
Torres, who scored Spain’s goal to clinch the European nation’s second World Cup in last month’s final at MetLife Stadium, told NBC’s “Today” show earlier Monday he had watched his goal around a thousand times.
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Trump Cracks Jokes, Honors Heroes of White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner Shooting at Glitzy Rescheduled Gala
By Victor Nava, New York Post, July 24, 2026
By Victor Nava, New York Post, July 24, 2026
Trump attends the re-scheduled White House Correspondents Dinner in the Presidential Ballroom at the Waldorf Astoria on July 24, 2026. Getty Images
President Trump played comedian-in-chief Friday night at the rescheduled White House Correspondents’ Dinner — where he had the room roaring as he quipped about a third term, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and roadkill, and trying to pair dress shoes with bulletproof vests in an entertaining and sometimes cutthroat speech.
“As I said three months ago, the show must go on,” Trump said at the pared-down, more intimate dinner, three months after the initial night of celebration was cut short by the attempted assassination of the president.
“Won’t soon be forgotten,” the president said of the April dinner, “and I think a lot was learned from that evening.”
“But just like my presidency, the second time is always better. It’s always better, and the third time will be better yet,” he joked to a chorus of laughter.
Near the end of his speech, the president even donned a “Trump 2028” hat as he jokingly announced he’d be running for a “fourth term”, calling it a “scoop” for the reporters in the room.
Trump opened his address by praising the heroics of law enforcement and the Secret Service, and commended administration officials for looking out for the press when shots rang out outside the Washington Hilton ballroom — before ribbing a Grammy-nominated supporter who was also in the crowd that night.
“After hearing the gunshots, many people yelled, ‘Get down! Get down!’ which caused Nicki Minaj to start twerking,” he quipped. “Do you believe?”
Later, Trump joked about trying to pair nice dress shoes with a bulletproof vest — and how he didn’t want to wear the protective gear because it made him look heavier.
“Everyone’s looking really good tonight, and I know it was not easy finding shoes to go along with your bulletproof vest, which many people didn’t want to wear because they’d rather die than look 20 pounds heavier,” he jested.
“They put one on me. I said, ‘Are you sure? I’m not wearing this!”
Striking a more serious tone, he also praised the bravery and strength of the reporters and lawmakers in the room — and extolled the American spirit.
“Tonight we come back together to answer that heinous attack with unwavering resolve … to show that in America we do not yield to political violence. We don’t. We can’t do that. Can’t do it. So in this country we live in freedom of speech. We settle our differences not with bullets, but with open and vigorous debate. And no deranged loser with a gun will ever change that,” he said.
Prior to the president’s remarks, numerous journalism awards and scholarships were handed out.
When a team of reporters from the Wall Street Journal was honored for a report on Trump’s ties to notorious sex criminal Jeffrey Epstein, the president was seen laughing and throwing his hands up in the air before graciously shaking hands with all the journalists.
“This has not been an easy evening, all those awards,” Trump responded in his speech, before joking, “Do I have a say?”
The president, of course, also didn’t pass up the chance to take some jabs at the press and his political foes.
“This place is really the largest group of Trump derangement syndrome people ever put together at one time,” he cracked.
As the president reminisced about last month’s cage fight outside the Oval Office, he joked, “Before I came along, if you wanted to see someone lose consciousness on the South Lawn of the White House, all you had to do is ask Joe Biden a question.”
Trump then joked that he’d like to see Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) “have a rematch against an extremely simple question on a foreign policy from the Munich Security Conference,” referring to the “Squad” lawmaker’s embarrassing showing at the high-profile European forum.
Taking aim at musician and rabid Trump hater Bruce Springsteen, Trump asked, “What the hell happened to that guy?”
“His tour has been renamed ‘Bored in the USA,’” he wisecracked.
Trump also zinged potential 2028 White House hopeful Gavin Newsom, a frequent critic of the president.
“I heard Gavin Newscum recently said we will lose our country if we don’t fight fire with fire,” Trump said, before ripping his handling of the devastating California wildfires.
“To be fair, there’s only one thing we know about Gavin, and that’s that he definitely doesn’t want to fight fire with water.”
Members of Trump’s own staff and Cabinet weren’t immune, either, as the president shared the love.
Trump joked that the beef tenderloin dish served to guests is “very special” because “Bobby Kennedy … personally ran over the cow in his car.”
“And he cut it up and he brought it here for you to eat tonight,” he continued. “So it’s very fresh, and Bobby also suggested an appetizer featuring his favorite cut of male raccoon roadkill, but we drew the line at that.”
A decade ago, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., infamously scooped up a dead bear that had been struck by a car before dumping the carcass in Central Park.
He also joked about how his spunky press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, can be “nasty.”
“She’s done a fantastic job. We all love her. She’s done a fantastic job … She could be nasty, but sometimes she has no choice,” Trump jabbed. “But Karoline may have one of the hardest jobs in the White House: She has to deal with all of you, all of the time, and you can be very difficult.
“But I’m probably being a little bit oversensitive.”
Trump’s appearance at the annual dinner marks the first time he’s attended as commander-in-chief. The president skipped four straight correspondents’ dinners during his first term, and balked at participating in the first year of his second stint in the White House.
The dinner was held at the posh Waldorf Astoria in downtown Washington, which was previously the Trump International Hotel, marking the first time in more than five decades that the gathering of press and political figures hasn’t been held at the Washington Hilton.
Trump had vowed to hold a redo of the April 25 dinner, which was canceled after a deranged gunman ran through a security checkpoint and allegedly shot a Secret Service agent before being taken down just steps away from the Hilton ballroom.
The alleged gunman, Cole Thomas Allen, has been charged with attempting to assassinate the president and is awaiting trial.
The shooting prompted organizers and the Secret Service to heighten security for the rescheduled dinner.
Attendees were subject to three security checkpoints, which included multiple ID checks and Secret Service magnetometers, before entering the Waldorf’s ballroom – which has less than a quarter of the Washington Hilton’s capacity, making it easier to vet attendees.
The event did not feature the sprawling cocktail receptions that previous dinners have had.
Traditional printed passes were also replaced with digital ones and an outside security firm was brought in to screen guests as well.
Unlike April’s dinner, Vice President JD Vance and first lady Melania Trump did not attend.
Notable Trump administration officials in attendance included War Secretary Pete Hegseth, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, United Nations Ambassador Mike Waltz and White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mentalist Oz Pearlman, who was in the middle of a trick when shots were fired outside the ballroom in April, returned Friday night and was once again at the head table with the president.
“Let’s try this again,” Weijia Jiang, who was serving as president of the White House Correspondents’ Association at the time of the shooting, said in her opening remarks.
“Many of you were also with us in April,” she continued. “You came as guests, but within moments, you went to work.”
iang, a reporter with CBS News, decried the assassination attempt as “an attack on democracy itself.”
“Tonight, our message is this: We are back. We will not be intimidated. We refuse to let an act of violence have the final word,” she declared.
Ahead of the dinner, Leavitt teased that Trump’s speech would be “a combination of unifying yet vicious, and serious yet hilarious, all at the same time.”
“One thing I can assure you,” Leavitt told reporters, “it will be entertaining.”
Trump spoke for over an hour and thanked the reporters at the end for helping him make the US “the hottest country anywhere in the world.”
“We all did that together. It’s not me. We all did it together — and we do, we have the hottest country anywhere in the world, and we’re going to keep it going,” Trump gushed.
“And I just want to say, I have tremendous respect for the people in this room… and I have a lot of respect for your profession,” he added. “Your profession’s amazing, and I just want to thank you for having me, and it’s been fun, and I’ve met a lot of great people.”
“As I said three months ago, the show must go on,” Trump said at the pared-down, more intimate dinner, three months after the initial night of celebration was cut short by the attempted assassination of the president.
“Won’t soon be forgotten,” the president said of the April dinner, “and I think a lot was learned from that evening.”
“But just like my presidency, the second time is always better. It’s always better, and the third time will be better yet,” he joked to a chorus of laughter.
Near the end of his speech, the president even donned a “Trump 2028” hat as he jokingly announced he’d be running for a “fourth term”, calling it a “scoop” for the reporters in the room.
Trump opened his address by praising the heroics of law enforcement and the Secret Service, and commended administration officials for looking out for the press when shots rang out outside the Washington Hilton ballroom — before ribbing a Grammy-nominated supporter who was also in the crowd that night.
“After hearing the gunshots, many people yelled, ‘Get down! Get down!’ which caused Nicki Minaj to start twerking,” he quipped. “Do you believe?”
Later, Trump joked about trying to pair nice dress shoes with a bulletproof vest — and how he didn’t want to wear the protective gear because it made him look heavier.
“Everyone’s looking really good tonight, and I know it was not easy finding shoes to go along with your bulletproof vest, which many people didn’t want to wear because they’d rather die than look 20 pounds heavier,” he jested.
“They put one on me. I said, ‘Are you sure? I’m not wearing this!”
Striking a more serious tone, he also praised the bravery and strength of the reporters and lawmakers in the room — and extolled the American spirit.
“Tonight we come back together to answer that heinous attack with unwavering resolve … to show that in America we do not yield to political violence. We don’t. We can’t do that. Can’t do it. So in this country we live in freedom of speech. We settle our differences not with bullets, but with open and vigorous debate. And no deranged loser with a gun will ever change that,” he said.
Prior to the president’s remarks, numerous journalism awards and scholarships were handed out.
When a team of reporters from the Wall Street Journal was honored for a report on Trump’s ties to notorious sex criminal Jeffrey Epstein, the president was seen laughing and throwing his hands up in the air before graciously shaking hands with all the journalists.
“This has not been an easy evening, all those awards,” Trump responded in his speech, before joking, “Do I have a say?”
The president, of course, also didn’t pass up the chance to take some jabs at the press and his political foes.
“This place is really the largest group of Trump derangement syndrome people ever put together at one time,” he cracked.
As the president reminisced about last month’s cage fight outside the Oval Office, he joked, “Before I came along, if you wanted to see someone lose consciousness on the South Lawn of the White House, all you had to do is ask Joe Biden a question.”
Trump then joked that he’d like to see Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) “have a rematch against an extremely simple question on a foreign policy from the Munich Security Conference,” referring to the “Squad” lawmaker’s embarrassing showing at the high-profile European forum.
Taking aim at musician and rabid Trump hater Bruce Springsteen, Trump asked, “What the hell happened to that guy?”
“His tour has been renamed ‘Bored in the USA,’” he wisecracked.
Trump also zinged potential 2028 White House hopeful Gavin Newsom, a frequent critic of the president.
“I heard Gavin Newscum recently said we will lose our country if we don’t fight fire with fire,” Trump said, before ripping his handling of the devastating California wildfires.
“To be fair, there’s only one thing we know about Gavin, and that’s that he definitely doesn’t want to fight fire with water.”
Members of Trump’s own staff and Cabinet weren’t immune, either, as the president shared the love.
Trump joked that the beef tenderloin dish served to guests is “very special” because “Bobby Kennedy … personally ran over the cow in his car.”
“And he cut it up and he brought it here for you to eat tonight,” he continued. “So it’s very fresh, and Bobby also suggested an appetizer featuring his favorite cut of male raccoon roadkill, but we drew the line at that.”
A decade ago, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., infamously scooped up a dead bear that had been struck by a car before dumping the carcass in Central Park.
He also joked about how his spunky press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, can be “nasty.”
“She’s done a fantastic job. We all love her. She’s done a fantastic job … She could be nasty, but sometimes she has no choice,” Trump jabbed. “But Karoline may have one of the hardest jobs in the White House: She has to deal with all of you, all of the time, and you can be very difficult.
“But I’m probably being a little bit oversensitive.”
Trump’s appearance at the annual dinner marks the first time he’s attended as commander-in-chief. The president skipped four straight correspondents’ dinners during his first term, and balked at participating in the first year of his second stint in the White House.
The dinner was held at the posh Waldorf Astoria in downtown Washington, which was previously the Trump International Hotel, marking the first time in more than five decades that the gathering of press and political figures hasn’t been held at the Washington Hilton.
Trump had vowed to hold a redo of the April 25 dinner, which was canceled after a deranged gunman ran through a security checkpoint and allegedly shot a Secret Service agent before being taken down just steps away from the Hilton ballroom.
The alleged gunman, Cole Thomas Allen, has been charged with attempting to assassinate the president and is awaiting trial.
The shooting prompted organizers and the Secret Service to heighten security for the rescheduled dinner.
Attendees were subject to three security checkpoints, which included multiple ID checks and Secret Service magnetometers, before entering the Waldorf’s ballroom – which has less than a quarter of the Washington Hilton’s capacity, making it easier to vet attendees.
The event did not feature the sprawling cocktail receptions that previous dinners have had.
Traditional printed passes were also replaced with digital ones and an outside security firm was brought in to screen guests as well.
Unlike April’s dinner, Vice President JD Vance and first lady Melania Trump did not attend.
Notable Trump administration officials in attendance included War Secretary Pete Hegseth, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, United Nations Ambassador Mike Waltz and White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mentalist Oz Pearlman, who was in the middle of a trick when shots were fired outside the ballroom in April, returned Friday night and was once again at the head table with the president.
“Let’s try this again,” Weijia Jiang, who was serving as president of the White House Correspondents’ Association at the time of the shooting, said in her opening remarks.
“Many of you were also with us in April,” she continued. “You came as guests, but within moments, you went to work.”
iang, a reporter with CBS News, decried the assassination attempt as “an attack on democracy itself.”
“Tonight, our message is this: We are back. We will not be intimidated. We refuse to let an act of violence have the final word,” she declared.
Ahead of the dinner, Leavitt teased that Trump’s speech would be “a combination of unifying yet vicious, and serious yet hilarious, all at the same time.”
“One thing I can assure you,” Leavitt told reporters, “it will be entertaining.”
Trump spoke for over an hour and thanked the reporters at the end for helping him make the US “the hottest country anywhere in the world.”
“We all did that together. It’s not me. We all did it together — and we do, we have the hottest country anywhere in the world, and we’re going to keep it going,” Trump gushed.
“And I just want to say, I have tremendous respect for the people in this room… and I have a lot of respect for your profession,” he added. “Your profession’s amazing, and I just want to thank you for having me, and it’s been fun, and I’ve met a lot of great people.”
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Biden Heralded As First President To Author His Memoir Posthumously
Politics · Jul 16, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
Politics · Jul 16, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
U.S. — In the latest in a long line of historic achievements by the former leader, Joe Biden was heralded as the first president to author his memoir posthumously.
Biden's new memoir, Promise Me, America, was officially set for release this November, making the former Delaware senator, vice president, and 46th president of the United States the very first American president to write such a book after he became bereft of life.
"It's an impressive accomplishment," said book critic Dawnell Reese. "We've seen many presidential memoirs over the years, some of them being quite impressive. Something we have never seen, however, is a presidential memoir written posthumously by its author. President Biden, in accordance with his track record of inventing words on the fly, has now invented a new way of writing books. He would feel tremendous pride in this achievement if he were alive today to see it."
Biden issued a public statement to acknowledge the impressive feat. "Listen up, folks," he told reporters. "They tell me I'm the first president to write his memoir after his death. They also tell me I was once the president, which is a heck of a thing, if you ask me. And you did. So I feel very honored to… honored to… I feel… the way they always… around all of the… every time. Anyway… I am proud of the book they told me I wrote, whether I'm alive or not. End statement. Walk away from podium."
At publishing time, Biden had also been officially recognized as the first person to serve a full term in office as president after his death.
Biden's new memoir, Promise Me, America, was officially set for release this November, making the former Delaware senator, vice president, and 46th president of the United States the very first American president to write such a book after he became bereft of life.
"It's an impressive accomplishment," said book critic Dawnell Reese. "We've seen many presidential memoirs over the years, some of them being quite impressive. Something we have never seen, however, is a presidential memoir written posthumously by its author. President Biden, in accordance with his track record of inventing words on the fly, has now invented a new way of writing books. He would feel tremendous pride in this achievement if he were alive today to see it."
Biden issued a public statement to acknowledge the impressive feat. "Listen up, folks," he told reporters. "They tell me I'm the first president to write his memoir after his death. They also tell me I was once the president, which is a heck of a thing, if you ask me. And you did. So I feel very honored to… honored to… I feel… the way they always… around all of the… every time. Anyway… I am proud of the book they told me I wrote, whether I'm alive or not. End statement. Walk away from podium."
At publishing time, Biden had also been officially recognized as the first person to serve a full term in office as president after his death.
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Cubans Living In NYC Begin Boarding Rafts To Escape Communism Again
Politics · Jun 26, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
Politics · Jun 26, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
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Dr. Fauci Reports Amazing Results In Gain-Of-Function Research At New Cruise Ship Laboratory
Health · May 7, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
Health · May 7, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
CANARY ISLANDS — Dr. Anthony Fauci announced today that he has achieved a remarkable breakthrough in gain-of-function research at his mobile laboratory aboard a cruise ship.
Fauci reportedly is working on using rats as vectors for a different sort of virus, and the early results for transmissibility are extremely promising.
"I'm extremely pleased with what we're seeing on the ship," said Fauci. "We are just now receiving the first round of data from the subjects we dropped off in Europe, and it's really quite impressive. The mutations we have programmed are causing outstanding infection rates and tissue penetration. The potential for morbidity and mortality might put COVID to shame. I'm really hopeful."
According to guests aboard the ship, the nature of the floating laboratory has come as a surprise. "At first we thought the crew-wide hazmat suits were just a fun pirate theme," said Linda Carpenter while quarantined inside a windowless interior cabin. "Then they locked the shuffleboard deck and started referring to us by specimen numbers. Oh, and then came the rats. It's getting unnerving."
At publishing time, Pfizer had announced a new hantavirus vaccine that would be ready in just six months.
Fauci reportedly is working on using rats as vectors for a different sort of virus, and the early results for transmissibility are extremely promising.
"I'm extremely pleased with what we're seeing on the ship," said Fauci. "We are just now receiving the first round of data from the subjects we dropped off in Europe, and it's really quite impressive. The mutations we have programmed are causing outstanding infection rates and tissue penetration. The potential for morbidity and mortality might put COVID to shame. I'm really hopeful."
According to guests aboard the ship, the nature of the floating laboratory has come as a surprise. "At first we thought the crew-wide hazmat suits were just a fun pirate theme," said Linda Carpenter while quarantined inside a windowless interior cabin. "Then they locked the shuffleboard deck and started referring to us by specimen numbers. Oh, and then came the rats. It's getting unnerving."
At publishing time, Pfizer had announced a new hantavirus vaccine that would be ready in just six months.
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Media Still Stumped As To Motive Of Gunman With Manifesto Titled ‘Why I'm Going To Kill Donald J. Trump’
BabylonBee.com, April 28, 2026
Members of the national media remained completely baffled as to the target or motive of a gunman carrying a detailed, 47-page manifesto entitled "Why I'm Going To Kill Donald J. Trump."
The document reportedly provided a handy bullet-pointed list of grievances along with a helpful table of contents detailing primary and secondary motivations for wanting to kill the president, but after hours of reviewing the manifesto, journalists came up empty as to who the gunman may have been targeting and why.
"It's a mystery," said CBS correspondent Norah O'Donnell, thumbing through the papers. "See right here, the gunman says that he plans to use a gun to shoot President Donald J. Trump, and explains that he's doing so because he believes that Trump is a dangerous fascist who must be stopped at all costs. I wonder who the gunman is talking about here? Who was he after that night, and for what reason? We may never know."
Experts explained that the gunman's repeated references to President Trump, including a chapter called "Yes, Trump Is My Target, And Here Is Why," should not be taken as definitive evidence of intent.
"This is going to be a tough nut to crack," said CNN's Kaitlan Collins. "We're looking at everything. What drove this man to attempt such a heinous act? Was it class imbalance? Was it gluten? The search has only just begun."
At publishing time, the media had responded with utter shock and skepticism to assertions by the administration that the target was, in fact, President Trump. ##
BabylonBee.com, April 28, 2026
Members of the national media remained completely baffled as to the target or motive of a gunman carrying a detailed, 47-page manifesto entitled "Why I'm Going To Kill Donald J. Trump."
The document reportedly provided a handy bullet-pointed list of grievances along with a helpful table of contents detailing primary and secondary motivations for wanting to kill the president, but after hours of reviewing the manifesto, journalists came up empty as to who the gunman may have been targeting and why.
"It's a mystery," said CBS correspondent Norah O'Donnell, thumbing through the papers. "See right here, the gunman says that he plans to use a gun to shoot President Donald J. Trump, and explains that he's doing so because he believes that Trump is a dangerous fascist who must be stopped at all costs. I wonder who the gunman is talking about here? Who was he after that night, and for what reason? We may never know."
Experts explained that the gunman's repeated references to President Trump, including a chapter called "Yes, Trump Is My Target, And Here Is Why," should not be taken as definitive evidence of intent.
"This is going to be a tough nut to crack," said CNN's Kaitlan Collins. "We're looking at everything. What drove this man to attempt such a heinous act? Was it class imbalance? Was it gluten? The search has only just begun."
At publishing time, the media had responded with utter shock and skepticism to assertions by the administration that the target was, in fact, President Trump. ##
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(Lyrics)
I am Mister Ultimatum, I hand out time with conditions. Better cooperate or you’ll suffer the demolitions. If I warn you, it’s for a reason—to make you think. I’m a compassionate hero, always giving a chance. Act dumb and it’s ultimatum right here. Get cocky with me and ultimatum over there. He who warns doesn’t betray—I offer you options. If wars break out, it’s your fault—you didn’t choose right. At the UN, I greet with a theatrical wink. I hand over my list of conditions on the front page. The world stands still, waiting for my final signal. I make a grand gesture and extend the deadline a bit more.
I am Mister Ultimatum, I hand out time with conditions. Better cooperate or you’ll suffer the demolitions. If I warn you, it’s for a reason—to make you think. I’m a compassionate hero, always giving a chance. Act dumb and it’s ultimatum right here. Get cocky with me and ultimatum over there. He who warns doesn’t betray—I offer you options. If wars break out, it’s your fault—you didn’t choose right. At the UN, I greet with a theatrical wink. I hand over my list of conditions on the front page. The world stands still, waiting for my final signal. I make a grand gesture and extend the deadline a bit more.
Mister ultimátum en concierto.......□□ pic.twitter.com/aGT4E6eZ3t
— De Sevilla al cielo..... (@Nefertitibarni2) April 11, 2026
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LOS ANGELES, CA — Former Vice President Kamala Harris revealed on Friday that she is seriously thinking about losing again in 2028.
After spending time taking stock of her crushing defeat at the hands of President Donald Trump in 2024, Harris said she has yet to rule out getting humiliated on a national stage once again.
"The last time, I got fewer votes, and the other person, he got more votes. So basically, that's bad," explained Harris. "I've had time now to reflect, and I'm thinking I should do that again. Last time, I got to meet Cardi B and see a yellow school bus. Who doesn't love a yellow school bus? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Am I right?"
Veterans of Harris's 2024 campaign expressed interest in losing once more, but in a different way. "Kamala is deeply unlikable and incompetent, and we think we can leverage that into another national embarrassment," said former campaign manager Julie Rodriguez. "We've already seen some solid internal polling that shows Kamala could be in a great position to lose in 2028, maybe even worse than in 2024. She could lose all sorts of new states. It's really exciting to think about."
At publishing time, Kamala had announced that she also had yet to rule out ordering a fourth glass of wine.
After spending time taking stock of her crushing defeat at the hands of President Donald Trump in 2024, Harris said she has yet to rule out getting humiliated on a national stage once again.
"The last time, I got fewer votes, and the other person, he got more votes. So basically, that's bad," explained Harris. "I've had time now to reflect, and I'm thinking I should do that again. Last time, I got to meet Cardi B and see a yellow school bus. Who doesn't love a yellow school bus? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Am I right?"
Veterans of Harris's 2024 campaign expressed interest in losing once more, but in a different way. "Kamala is deeply unlikable and incompetent, and we think we can leverage that into another national embarrassment," said former campaign manager Julie Rodriguez. "We've already seen some solid internal polling that shows Kamala could be in a great position to lose in 2028, maybe even worse than in 2024. She could lose all sorts of new states. It's really exciting to think about."
At publishing time, Kamala had announced that she also had yet to rule out ordering a fourth glass of wine.
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Democrats Fear Higher Gas Prices Could Affect Molotov Cocktail Production
BabylonBee.com, March 19, 2026
BabylonBee.com, March 19, 2026
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the war in Iran creating both unrest in the Middle East and uncertainty in the oil industry, Democrats expressed fear that higher gas prices could affect Molotov cocktail production.
Prominent Democrats warned their supporters across the United States that spikes in gas prices posed a significant threat to the affordability of Molotov cocktails and other improvised riot devices, and instructed them to plan accordingly.
"This will disproportionally affect our voters," House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries told reporters. "Trump is waging this unjust war in Iran, and it's driving oil prices through the roof. How are our supporters supposed to afford the gas they need to keep producing Molotov cocktails for use in their peaceful protests? It's a tragedy."
Democrats said that the production of Molotov cocktails would be slowed at best, or even brought to a halt altogether. "We have no idea how long this war will last," Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said. "The higher gas prices go, the more our violent constituents will feel it in their wallets. If we can't count on Molotov cocktails being produced in the quantities we've come to expect, our entire operation will be affected. Molotov cocktails are an important part of the democratic process in this country. It would be a shame for such a long-standing tradition to be hampered in any way."
At publishing time, Democrats urged their supporters to avoid using too much gas in their vehicles so they could continue to produce Molotov cocktails.
Prominent Democrats warned their supporters across the United States that spikes in gas prices posed a significant threat to the affordability of Molotov cocktails and other improvised riot devices, and instructed them to plan accordingly.
"This will disproportionally affect our voters," House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries told reporters. "Trump is waging this unjust war in Iran, and it's driving oil prices through the roof. How are our supporters supposed to afford the gas they need to keep producing Molotov cocktails for use in their peaceful protests? It's a tragedy."
Democrats said that the production of Molotov cocktails would be slowed at best, or even brought to a halt altogether. "We have no idea how long this war will last," Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said. "The higher gas prices go, the more our violent constituents will feel it in their wallets. If we can't count on Molotov cocktails being produced in the quantities we've come to expect, our entire operation will be affected. Molotov cocktails are an important part of the democratic process in this country. It would be a shame for such a long-standing tradition to be hampered in any way."
At publishing time, Democrats urged their supporters to avoid using too much gas in their vehicles so they could continue to produce Molotov cocktails.
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Iran Boasts It Has Destroyed Hundreds Of US Missiles
With Its Buildings
March 9, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
With Its Buildings
March 9, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
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Biden Asks Why Trump Didn't Just Bomb Ayatollah In the Leg
March 3, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
March 3, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
DOVER, DE — In the wake of the highly successful decapitation of Iran's tyrannical dictatorship, former American president Joe Biden asked why Trump didn't just bomb the Ayatollah in the leg.
Sources say that the aged, decrepit Biden openly questioned Trump's foreign policy decisions, asking why Trump couldn't have found a less lethal solution like incapacitating the Ayatollah with a simple bomb to the leg.
"There was no reason to escalate the encounter with a bomb to the head or chest," reads a statement delivered to the press by Biden's handlers. "I am shocked and saddened that Trump has chosen the path of greatest violence instead of simply aiming the B2's bombs for the Ayatollah's leg."
Live interviewers with Biden confirmed his criticisms.
"Now listen, Jack! I didn't sign the Trugbtgeignmmenn into law for, well, you know, the thing to happen!" Biden ranted to a nearby pile of Depend Adult Diapers. "In fact, I strongly believe that this never would have happened if we'd just elected that broad as vice-president. What a lying, dog-faced...you know. Well, anyway. Thank you, and God bless Ammerigottit?"
At publishing time, Democrats had introduced a motion to reduce gun violence on the part of America's military by banning high-capacity, high-altitude precision bombers.
Sources say that the aged, decrepit Biden openly questioned Trump's foreign policy decisions, asking why Trump couldn't have found a less lethal solution like incapacitating the Ayatollah with a simple bomb to the leg.
"There was no reason to escalate the encounter with a bomb to the head or chest," reads a statement delivered to the press by Biden's handlers. "I am shocked and saddened that Trump has chosen the path of greatest violence instead of simply aiming the B2's bombs for the Ayatollah's leg."
Live interviewers with Biden confirmed his criticisms.
"Now listen, Jack! I didn't sign the Trugbtgeignmmenn into law for, well, you know, the thing to happen!" Biden ranted to a nearby pile of Depend Adult Diapers. "In fact, I strongly believe that this never would have happened if we'd just elected that broad as vice-president. What a lying, dog-faced...you know. Well, anyway. Thank you, and God bless Ammerigottit?"
At publishing time, Democrats had introduced a motion to reduce gun violence on the part of America's military by banning high-capacity, high-altitude precision bombers.
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New Yorkers Report Warmth Of Collectivism Feels Strangely Like Crushing Tax Hike
Feb 18, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
Feb 18, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
NEW YORK CITY — New York City residents have reported that the warmth of collectivism feels weirdly similar to a crushing tax increase.
According to several locals, the experience of basking in the glow of collectivism has a strange resemblance to massive rent increases and the state retirement fund being raided.
"It's really eerie," said local woman Rosalie Marks. "They just feel so alike, warm collectivism and devastating tax hikes. It's very, very like watching your retirement account get drained. You can hardly tell the difference, honestly."
Mayor Zohran Mamdani has assured citizens that collectivism's warmth can often feel like astronomic tax increases. "Oh yeah, the warmth often feels like that at first," explained Mamdani. "People come up to me, and they say, 'Hey, Zohran! Why does it feel like you robbed my retirement account to pay for bus fares?' And I tell them not to worry, collectivism's warmth can feel like that to some people. It's totally normal."
At publishing time, New Yorkers had reported that government-owned grocery stores felt oddly similar to bread lines.
According to several locals, the experience of basking in the glow of collectivism has a strange resemblance to massive rent increases and the state retirement fund being raided.
"It's really eerie," said local woman Rosalie Marks. "They just feel so alike, warm collectivism and devastating tax hikes. It's very, very like watching your retirement account get drained. You can hardly tell the difference, honestly."
Mayor Zohran Mamdani has assured citizens that collectivism's warmth can often feel like astronomic tax increases. "Oh yeah, the warmth often feels like that at first," explained Mamdani. "People come up to me, and they say, 'Hey, Zohran! Why does it feel like you robbed my retirement account to pay for bus fares?' And I tell them not to worry, collectivism's warmth can feel like that to some people. It's totally normal."
At publishing time, New Yorkers had reported that government-owned grocery stores felt oddly similar to bread lines.
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Republicans Warn Passing Voter ID Law Could Ruin Plan To Hand Congress To Democrats In November
The Babylon Bee, Published January 28, 2026
The Babylon Bee, Published January 28, 2026
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the 2026 midterm elections on the horizon amid increasing strife over problems facing the nation, Republican lawmakers issued an urgent warning that passing a national voter ID law could ruin their plan to hand Congress to the Democrats in November.
While President Trump and his administration continued to apply pressure to congressional GOP leaders and stress the importance of passing voter ID legislation, Republicans expressed concern that such a move could potentially spell doom for their goal of losing both the House and the Senate to Democrats this fall.
"There's a real danger that this could keep us in power," House Speaker Mike Johnson told reporters on Capitol Hill. "We've put a lot of effort into laying the groundwork to hand the Democrats full control of the legislative branch in November, and passing a law that would require voters to show a valid ID could completely derail those plans.
We know the president has very strong feelings on the topic, but we're doing our best to avoid making any moves that could prevent us from losing both chambers of Congress."
Johnson's GOP colleagues agreed that now was not the time to bolster election integrity. "We can't worry about this right now," said Senate Majority Leader John Thune. "It would be best to wait until we lose the House and Senate to the Democrats, when we could all use passing a voter ID law as a campaign platform to convince people to vote us back into power in 2028 so we can go back to not really doing anything."
At publishing time, Republican leadership had also warned the White House that continuing to deport illegal aliens could negatively impact Democrats' vote totals.##
While President Trump and his administration continued to apply pressure to congressional GOP leaders and stress the importance of passing voter ID legislation, Republicans expressed concern that such a move could potentially spell doom for their goal of losing both the House and the Senate to Democrats this fall.
"There's a real danger that this could keep us in power," House Speaker Mike Johnson told reporters on Capitol Hill. "We've put a lot of effort into laying the groundwork to hand the Democrats full control of the legislative branch in November, and passing a law that would require voters to show a valid ID could completely derail those plans.
We know the president has very strong feelings on the topic, but we're doing our best to avoid making any moves that could prevent us from losing both chambers of Congress."
Johnson's GOP colleagues agreed that now was not the time to bolster election integrity. "We can't worry about this right now," said Senate Majority Leader John Thune. "It would be best to wait until we lose the House and Senate to the Democrats, when we could all use passing a voter ID law as a campaign platform to convince people to vote us back into power in 2028 so we can go back to not really doing anything."
At publishing time, Republican leadership had also warned the White House that continuing to deport illegal aliens could negatively impact Democrats' vote totals.##
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